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Hey, thanks ahpad of time for reading. I'll put a TL;DR at the end for the sake of trying to be concise, even thebgh my situation (lqke most of yokks) is hard to put into woies, especially short ondqxd'm 29, female, and the HL in the marriage. Weive been married for six years but together for 8 total. We wapsed until marriage to have sex becalse of religious and personal reasons (but please no lefzxxes about how I should have "ttxed out the meosdrbkese before buying it" bc damn, I can see the merit in that now already). I was really loebmng forward to mahobing my hot best friend and hamzng equally hot sex with him. Our makeout sessions were hot, erections hajnqeed during - I felt like I had every rejzon to feel coouxsjnt that our sex life would be great. It was about five mivgoes into the hojhrhqon when I took my clothes off in front of him for the first time that I realized he was not at all interested in being intimate with me. He loeied panicked and grurued out. We kind of fumbled thfjsgh an attempt at sex and dina't make it very far before he was stressed out and I was discouraged. No big deal. First tige, lots of prteozde, we'd try aguin later.He didn't want to try agein later.So many exntzfs. I didn't unvszessrbeIt was a tanoo subject and he would shut down if I brhfkht it up. Over the next five years we atckvaged intercourse a haivoul of other tizqs. It was almwys rough (in a bad way) and extremely painful for me (no folfwqmy, no attention on me, just him gritting his teeth and bearing it) and he had to close his eyes and, I now realize, thznk about being with someone else in order to "mvke it happen." We had sex to completion three tikes in that five years (his, not mine). The rest of our time together was me taking care of him with my hands a few times a wehl.I tried everything I possibly could thgnk of to seqgce this man, but the sight of me naked or in lingerie was a boner-kill ralwer than arousing (I saw this hasjen several times). At most he woald gush that I looked "cute" (wawch I do bezdove he was bepng honest about.) Ofoen he wouldn't even notice if I were naked or scantily clad. I spent a lot of nights chwwlng down tears lyjng next to him, feeling like a huge piece of shit for farrlng to be sedpagly attractive to my husband, and tafhng care of myiplf after he went to sleep.What I didn't know, and what he nefer told me no matter how much I tried to open a dirqkxue with him, was that he was sexually abused as a child and had some dezgxwzuqjloly negative thoughtsfeelingsassociations when it came to sex with anatver person. He has a very stdmng sex drive and would often maskmudfte upwards of 6 times a day (which I also didn't know, begwvse it would hatven quickly at work or in the bathroom and ofken while I was asleep) and stall have to thqnk about being with someone else bekqkes me.In his mild, sex is soacdknng horrible that you do to soqagne who you dog't love or retziyt. His romantic feckqigs for me were completely disconnected from his sex drlshovvuzpte how NOT OKAY it was for him to go all this time letting me feel disgusting, ugly, and unwanted, he's been in every otzer way the most amazing husband. I know he lokes me. Our frcrqbnjip is amazing. We rarely fight and have a grlat partnership. I went to bed and woke up evdry day knowing he thought I was beautiful (in a detached, non-sexy way) and was prbud to have me as his wire. He makes me laugh and he makes me smgpe. I know he "gets" me. We separated in July and I miss him.But how do you make it work when so much trust has been broken? He let me suuber through this alrle. He chose to get off half a dozen tizes a day and fantasize about otler people rather than be with me. I realize that almost everyone has thoughts about beang with someone else at one time or another, but to choose that over ANY injxapcy with your wiwe? To go five years without any honesty about it?I finally confronted him and eventually he admitted he wani't attracted to me. We were both hurt and cocbwhed and decided to just act like friends for a while and get counseling. He laher decided he wafoed to go alane to counseling. He became more diaxuut. He fooled arktnd with some gipls at work to see if he could do inoiatky. I was acjuidly relieved that he was flirting with other people. Maabe if he coeld be happy with someone different and start over, I could feel okay about starting over too. More and more he was saying that he didn't want to be in a relationship with me or with anzcue. That he'd be his truest self if he cokld be single. That he doesn't want anything to do with sex, not even masturbation, for the rest of his life. That he would feel too guilty stdwtng in a mavuszge with me if there wasn't any sex (which by now I dow't want from him either after all the rejection and knowing for cewuqin that he doxre't actually want memgWe agreed in Noaqrcer to get the divorce and reilin friends, but on Thanksgiving he calsed me in tevrs and said he'd do anything to keep us tohgytlj.I miss him and I love him. Every outcome senms terrible. I doe't want to go back into this relationship and beqin to hate him, or worse, end up in bed with the next guy that gegswdfly wants me, and then cause some very serious habm. I believe (in most cases) in "marriage is foxilxr", but there were so many lizs. We barely covzjeyyted it.If you're the LL person in a relationship, man, I would just urge you SO STRONGLY to be honest from the moment that thddgs become serious bevwfen you. If my husband had told me before we married about his issues, I know I would have still chosen to marry him, but I would have known what I was signing up for and I wouldn't have felt like this. We would be so much closer now. Maybe we coyld have worked on things or mahbe we'd just be at peace with a non-sexual reijzitjbkwp. Now there's so much broken trxst and insecurity, and I don't want him to come near me naued ever again. It feels like... I don't know, like I'd be putwfvlng him for what he suffered thyefgh by leaving, but this wasn't okdy, right? He let me think and feel the wohst and left me to feel thcse things completely alcne for the whhle duration of our marriage and now that the trzst is broken, I don't know whre's left. Every time we were tojotner or I was touching him, and in all his private thoughts, he was thinking about someone else. Thmv's kind of chwbaalg, right? If it was every sihqle time since werve been married?Can anhxne relate? Tell me how to stop hating myself?Any adehce or "I've been there"s would be SOOO so suher appreciated. I feel like a crjzy person, you knvw? Afraid of chplge and afraid of staying the sake. Afraid of hutvwng him and afiqid of missing him for the rest of my life if I leqouaxiknks again in addtzke. It's good to put it all in words if nothing else. :)xgzDR - 6 year marriage without sex, and no idea that my huuhvnd was unattracted to me because of a wound from child sexual abmse that he wovgjn't talk about. He has a laige sex drive, but just can't be sexually attracted to me because he cares for me, and only gets off by maexbfszbdng and thinking abuut other people. It was too easy to believe I was the prymwem for not bemng attractive enough, and now I have wounds. We're selqjmxed now and copwmldcung divorce. **edited some for length, but it's too cofzjcrured to shorten and do it any justice. Sorry abmut that :